Is Your Child Refusing to Go to School? Understanding School Refusal

Please note: Some people prefer the term "self-excluder" to school refuser, I am using school refuser as it is the most commonly-known term.

School refusal is a common issue faced by children and teenagers. While every child may occasionally complain about going to school, if they persistently attempt to avoid it, there is likely an underlying issue. School refusal is a distressing and stressful event for the entire family, and recognising the signs that your child may be struggling is crucial in helping them return to school.

School refusers may have high anxiety and be unable to explain why they cannot go to school. Anxiety often presents itself without any rational explanation and triggers our natural “fight or flight” response, leaving individuals terrified and sometimes frozen in place. Common signs of school refusal include difficulty getting up from bed, disorganization in the morning routine, complaints about stomach issues or butterflies, absence from school, and an increasing downturn in attendance.

The most common reasons for school refusal are issues like academic pressure, bullying, social awkwardness, communication difficulties, and family stress. Parents can help by normalizing life events and discussing realistic expectations in life. Breaking challenges down into one step at a time and discussing how mistakes can improve performance can help. Parents should also focus on listening and providing emotional support and reassuring their child that things can get better.

Managing anxiety is also important in helping children return to school. Parents can help their children calm down by breathing slowly and deeply in a rhythm together, doing some slow counting upwards and downwards, sitting by them offering calm and physical reassurance, reassuring them that everything will be okay, asking them to think of a safe and relaxing place or person in their mind, and getting out and moving by walking, jogging or being active. It is also important to pre-empt anxious moments by talking to your child about their anxiety and helping them to recognize the signs of anxiety.

Private tutoring can be an effective way to help school refusers build their trust and slowly build their confidence, learn to manage their anxiety, and bridge the gap between home and school. Seeking professional help is recommended when the situation is not getting any better. Parents can reach out to their school as the first point of contact, and they can put them in touch with local services and professionals.

In conclusion, recognising the signs of school refusal and understanding the underlying causes is crucial in helping children return to school. Parents can help their children by normalizing life events, managing anxiety, and seeking professional help when needed. Private tutoring can also be an effective way to help children build their confidence and bridge the gap between home and school. As parents and educators, we can support children and teenagers in their journey towards success and a fulfilling life.

In my experience of both running a unit for school refusers and tutoring school refusers, children respond well to private tutoring which helps develop their trust, particularly with an understanding and patient tutor.  There are many ups and downs in the life of a school refuser, and each day should be considered a new start.

As a last word, private Schools may offer more choice for your child, smaller class sizes and more staff for personal support. There are a number of schools particularly set up for pupils who refuse to attend school, and also tutoring services provided by local governments and private tutoring services to help bridge the gap between home and returning to school.

Witten by A-J Paterson